Festival fun...I wanna go!!!!

I recently realized that Bonnaroo is NOT in the middle of camp orientation as I thought; it's squeezed right between orientation and the first session of the summer. So the possibility of me going has opened up, and with the advent of said possibility I've had a sudden surge of thoughts about music festivals in general. There are three biggies that I've always wanted to attend-Coachella, Lollapalooza, and Bonnaroo. Yes, Overall Lineup Quality for each festival does vary from year to year, but the OLQ never gets a downright bad rating, and they generally just have an all-around awesome dynamic.

So today I want to give everyone The Authoritative Guide on which festival lineup/crowd/general "vibe" would best suit YOU (and the image you wish to project to your friends by telling them you're attending). I'll give a rundown on wardrobe essentials, basic lineup info, hidden expenses, and typical complaints of attendees. 1, 2, 3, go:


COACHELLA.
Location: Indio, California.
2010 Dates: April 16-18
Lineup includes: Passion Pit, LCD Soundsystem, MGMT.
Wardrobe Essentials: J Brand skinnies (ink or black=only acceptable washes); you'll receive Edgy points for Thierry Lasry sunglasses (classic Ray-Ban aves if you MUST play it safe, but 10 Edgy points will be docked since those are a little tired); piles of House of Harlow 1960 bracelets (PERF conversation starter for when you bump into Nicole Richie!!), and an ironic flannel shirt.
Hidden Expenses will be: Hundreds of dollars' worth of celebrity autographs. But you've never touched an issue of Us Weekly in your life and you are not at ALL intrigued by that aspect of Coachella. You just came to hear Vampire Weekend (same reason you came in 2008). You only recognized Sam Ronson's pre-LiLo GF because there was a crowd around her. Suuuure.
Chief Complaint of Typical Attendee Will Be: Ostensibly, that MGMT didn't perform any Talking Heads covers, but internally, that there was no Jake Gyllenhaal/Reese Witherspoon sighting (which, based on their past attendance at the festival, basically confirms that our Golden Couple is, in fact, broken up). Tear.

^Why, yes, that IS Chloe Sevigny, but you couldn't possibly be sidetracked by a celeb sighting when Michael Angelakos himself is singing, right???!!


LOLLAPALOOZA.
Location: Chicago, Illinois.
2010 Dates: August 6-8
(Rumored) Lineup includes: Phoenix, Flaming Lips, Lady GaGa.
Wardrobe Essentials: American Apparel. Head to Toe, You're Good to Go, All You Need to Know.
Hidden Expenses will Be: On your phone bill after you spend the majority of shows Tweeting, adding to your Mobile Uploads album on Facebook, and texting your friend who's studying abroad.
Chief Complaint of Typical Attendee Will Be: That the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are not back this year. The tears of sexually ambiguous males in v-necks pining for Karen O will flood Grant Park.



BONNAROO.
Location: Manchester, Tennessee.
2010 Dates: June 10-13
Headliners: Dave Matthews Band, Kings of Leon, Stevie Wonder
Wardrobe Essentials: Will vary depending on what persona you decide to project during your modified-Woodstock weekend of Apple-age "hippiedom." Bona Fide Bonnaroo Babez will be wearing brandless peasant skirts; additionally, they'll be shoeless, braless, and possibly shirtless. But let's be honest, if you're not one to channel Mother Earth herself, you'll probably just end up forking over $300 for faux-hippie clothing i.e. Free People maxidress/Trina Turk tunic, Chacos, and chandelier earrings.
Hidden Expenses will be: Essential pre-Roo trip to Nashville Whole Foods (or Trader Joe's) will leave you $300 poorer (but with a full stock of granola and dried fruit...gotta keep it all-natural, y'all.) However, upon arrival in Manchester plan on tossing the granola in the tent once you discover the siiiiiick new "Bonnaroo Booth Locator" iPhone App that'll lead you to wherever funnel cakes and Pabst Blue Ribbon are sold.
Chief Complaint of Typical Attendee Will Be: How weird it is that Jay-Z's at Bonnaroo, man, because he's awesome and all but just doesn't fit the Roo mood. (Even though half the performers of the past decade haven't really been of the "Roo genre." Oh, and said complainer will probably have: A.) A Guy Harvey T-shirt on B.) A Widespread Panic tattoo and C.) A playlist entitled "Thursday Night Throwdown at SAE" on which "99 Problems" is the kickoff track.)


Please recognize that this was all in good fun. I would be so excited to attend ANY of those music festivals and I'm sure if I did, I'd be practicing some of the exact behaviors I just made fun of. Hopefully Bonnaroo will work out. I've got a new Trina tunic I can't wait to rock. Seriously though... the lineup this year really is pretty great, and I'd especially love to see the Avett Brothers because they are a band that I know you have to hear live to truly appreciate. I'm no Avett junkie (and I couldn't claim to be since I haven't seen them live and most of their truest fans have seen them 20+ times), but that's one performance I'm really excited about. This slowed-down, sobered-up version of "November Blue" below is particularly wonderful: